“There can be no rebirth without a dark night of the soul, a total annihilation of all that you believed in and thought that you were.”― Hazrat Inayat Khan
What is this spiritual concept that we refer to as the dark night of the soul? As with almost anything in this life, it largely depends on the context in which the inquiry is asked, especially in association with the circumstances or life situation that calls for such a question, just as the answer will depend on the source. Nevertheless, it is an ancient sentiment almost as old as humankind itself. In the orient, it is represented in the mystic context of I Ching, as found in Hexagram 36, which describes what is referred to as the Darkening of the Light. Also referred to Ming Hi or Brightness hiding, this particular hexagram almost speaks directly to this existential crisis of sorts in its mantra," when the world grows dark, one's inner light is given definition. Similarly, in the Catholic tradition, it is an expression of one's spiritual journey that stims back to the 16th century. illustrated in a poem of the time as one's spiritual or existential plight in their search for unity with God. That being said, what does this divine and otherworldly tribulation look like in the individual's life, and what all does it all entail?
To begin, a great deal of Western society and the various pedagogies that create for it have a great deal to do with both the individual's ego, or sense of self, and that of psychological time; always thinking of someplace that happened in the past, which generally causes for depression, and conversely, thinking of something that may or may not even happen in the future, which in retrospect is the byproduct of great angst. We see this in the scope of Western Psychology that relates how a person's ego is largely built off what is referred to as mental schema's, which are like great mental blueprints, that we create for as we go about life that tells us what we can typically expect from, and how we will typically act in any given social situation. Although, like all blueprints, these can be faulty, or flat out wrong, just as they can be thrown to the side in order to generate for another at any given time. It is also seen in the conventions of the day to day society in terms of putting another individuals ego in check, and so on and so forth. In understanding what is referred to as the dark night of the soul, a general understanding of one's ego is helpful, however, that does not necessarily imply that it is something that is crucial or absolutely necessary. That being said, in discussing the dark night of the soul, I find it useful to leverage a sort of allegory to better illustrate the issue. For the most part, the individual's ego, or sense of self, is likened to a sort of mental narrative, which is a sort of literary story that the mind tells itself based on all previous experiences in the best-selling novel, The Story of my Life, which is the most important book that any of us have and will ever own. Similarly, it also likes a like a house one would make out of a deck of cards, which is to say, that it has a very defined and formable structure that is built over time, but at the same time, it is one that is very fragile depending on various external situations.
I use this sort of metaphor because I find it extremely fitting in describing what takes place during this period in one's life, and in conveying it through this page to the audience, I can only hope that it proves helpful for those that may be going through it, trying to find meaning in what is going on, and to know that they are not alone. Continuing on with this allegory, however, what we see in the case of the dark night of the soul, is that the structure that is one's ego that is so delicately built out of our theoretical deck of cards gives way and completely falls to pieces on itself. In the same way, it is as if life throws us a large sledgehammer to the narrative that we've created of the continual story that is my life, and all of a sudden we are hurled headfirst in a kind of tornado that disintegrates deteriorates, and does away with one's sense of purpose and meaning of life that they have created for themselves all at once. During this time, generally speaking, once sense of faith is put to the test, and it is not atypical for one to become disillusioned, with a sort of bitter disposition along the nihilistic lines of, we live in an otherwise indifferent universe that has no care or concern for the individual. All of a sudden the individual experiences this almost soul-crushing sense of pain and suffering, so it can be challenging to take any other stance asides from this particular one.
However, there is a kind of beautiful paradox in this experience, which is perhaps best brought to light in the mantra issued by the Buddha, in the first Nobel truth, in that all life is suffering, which leads to the second Nobel truth, in that it doesn't have to be. That is to say, that suffering breeds enlightenment. The importance of the dark night of the soul cannot be reiterated enough, and the paradox is thus; during this stage of personal development, it can seem and feel like one's world, their very livelihood and essence, is falling apart all around them; this is okay, and it is necessary. In the dark night of the soul, this fleeting sensation that the world is falling apart around us is but a mere falling apart of all that we are not. This period takes place to remove the rose color blinders so to speak, that we have created, in order that we may see beyond the veil of illusions that society has placed upon us, and told us that we are, so that we may see the extent in which we have deviated from that in which we truly are. In short, the world needs to flip on its head, and these false notions tore down, or shed like the skin of a snake, so that in that transformation so that we can be reacquainted with our most true and authentic self, our true essence. In this way, we go through a life, death, rebirth cycle, although the death is on a psychological level, and maybe even a spiritual one at that, and this is what Jesus meant when he spoke of us being reborn, and to become like Christ.
Before I proceed any further in this description, for all intended purposes, I will leverage my own empirical data, or draw from my own personal experience as I convey to the reader my own sufferage, the lamentations of my soul, my martyrdom, and all other synonymous phrases that encompass my own journey through the dark night of the soul. If my shaky recollection of memory serves me well enough, this stage of my life began some seven years ago. On this mark, I would like to disclose to my reader how, not only is this information sensitive in nature, making me somewhat vulnerable, but I would at this point like to make a note to the duration that one's dark night of the soul can last. For some, it is a short stint that can last for a few days, weeks, or months, but as in my case, it can last so much longer, especially if you so desperately cling to the former notion of what the story of my life looks like. One's dark night of the soul generally is the result of some dramatic or traumatic external life experience, or a series of these occurrences taking place in rapid succession over a given period of time. I would say that my own experience with this phenomenon took some five years to go through, and in many ways, I am still seeing my way through the tail end or conclusion to this chapter of my life. For me, the dark night of the soul began one evening back in 2017; reflecting on that period of my life, it seems like it was some other life entirely, or one that one might joke about that had taken place in a past life. I was an entirely different person then as opposed to the person I stand before you. To that, I would like to make a comment to the reader that one of the hardest types of grief to go through that is that of grieving over the self, or the beautiful person that we use to be, which I have done in more ways than one, and hope is an experience that most won't have to go through. Anyways, on that evening in August, as I believe it was, I was meditating outside, as was a daily custom for me after a long day of the ol' school and work grind. Then all of a sudden, it was as if I went through this sort of sensory overload to which I found my parents over me highly concerned, for I had apparently broken out into a violent fit of shaking, convulsing heavily as it were, and to them, the thought was that I had a seizure, and understandable so, as it is common on my mom's side of the family. However, not long after that, both the doctor I saw that night and the neurologist that I saw about a week after that, confirmed that that was not the case. It was not for quite sometime after that, as I was well into my own spiritual journey that I realized that what I had gone through was what is referred to as a kundalini awakening. That in itself is subject for a whole discussion on itself, one that has to do with Eastern Philosophies, chakras, and things of that nature, but I will save that for another time. Little did I know, that would be the occurrence that flipped my life upside down, and would act as the starting point to my dark night of the soul. Prior to that, I had everything that a man could ask for, as the saying goes, and there was without a doubt a defined sense of who I thought I was, an egoic sense of this, and what I thought I wanted my life, and future to look like. I was enrolled full time in college, receiving top marks as it were. Had two places of occupation, one of which was an online journalist position, which meant that I was very well on my way on creating a career as a writer for myself, and even found the spare time to create a little side hustle making a decent enough income on that avenue of my life alone. I had the car, the girl, and all was well, in the life of Aaron. But that wasn't entirely true, because, beyond the surface level of things, there was a sort of void in my heart; I wasn't entirely happy with it all, living the white picket fence, keeping up with the Jones's lifestyle that we see here in the United States, and my dark night of soul exposed this kind of illusion for exactly what it was, and that I was not staying on course in terms of my highest and most authentic self. Following the night that I had the apparent seizure, my life went to shit, as the saying is, excuse my French, but it is what it is. For my own dark night of the soul, it was not a singular dramatic or traumatic experience, but a barrage that beat down on me one after the other, like some great atom bombs. To this end, I will reveal more about my personal self in that I am in the three percent of the populace that is on the spectrum, that of course speaking to Autism, and my version is that of higher functioning Asperger's, that is combined with Bipolar Disorder. Oh, an ode to the discoveries that we come to in this life, to realize that you have not one mental health condition, but two, maybe even three combined all at the same time. And so that was the beginning of my experience, in that, in more ways than one, my health began to vastly deteriorate, especially that of mental health. This was tumultuously difficult for me on more than one different level. I prided myself, and much of my sense of self was derived from my mind, which was of course my sense of self, and my, at the time, perceived sense of intellect. My therapist of seven years who acted as the forensic psychologist for all of California, to whom I hold in very high esteem, had once relayed to me that I had all the defining characteristics of a genius and recommended after an IQ test that I should try to get into Mensa. This is something that I took to, although I did not get in, for the requirement for the three percent is an IQ around 160, and mine was 141 with a standard deviation of 10. Still, that was good enough for me, and it was something that didn't necessarily surprise me; I had come from a family of intellectuals. So the deterioration of my mental health acted as a huge impediment on my sense of self; not only in the way that it conflicted with clarity and focus but in the way that the medications that were prescribed to aid in this happenstance acted as a kind of thick fog in my thinking capacities. It made me think of that scene from A Beautiful Mind when John Nash is first put on medications, and he tells his colleagues with great dismay that he just can't see the answers like he uses to, with great dismay, and oh, how I have felt his plight, and understand all the reasons that made him reluctant to take them. I can honestly say, that if I could meet anyone alive or dead, it would be either John Nash, or Jim Carrey, for they both had found ways in living without their medications, and to inquire as to how they did it, or what they would possibly recommend. This period of my life ultimately led to another period to which I could only call the loss of, for it seemed to me that I was losing everything, including my own mind. Very steadily it went about that it affected me in the workplace, and just about every other area of my life; place of occupation, my then fiance, my friends, or at least the people that I had thought were my friends who had had such high hopes for me, and so on and so forth until I very nearly began to relate with the story of Job from the bible, for I could not explain or understand for the life of me why I was being hit by all these hardships one after the other. It got so bad that the depression made it so that it was actually hard to take care of myself, and I was gripped by suicidal ideations that were as near to constant as it gets. But that is only the beginning of things that were to come.
The apex or climax to this sort of tragedy came when after I had finished with school, that I had through a series of, believe it or not, misfortunate events, that I had lost my place of residence. I was overseeing an art studio, which, mind you were failing, and I didn't extend the least, for the individual that I was seeing at the time offered to have me stay with her, but when that went awry, I was quite literally left with nothing. So, to assist me, my family sent me midwest to stay with relatives until I could get back on my feet. It was on that very first day, almost three years to the day, back on July 17th, 2017, that I was flung from the passenger side of my uncle's jeep that was going thirty-five miles an hour in busy traffic, resulting in what was my fifth near-death experience at the young age of 27. The first had been the day I was born, followed two years later when I discovered I had life-threatening allergies to beans when I had my first bean burrito. As life when on, there was an occasion that I nearly drowned, and then I once had a doctor tell me that I was lucky I didn't go into shock and die from quitting all of my medications cold-turkey. I guess that my spirit animal is a kind of badger, but that is besides the point, and I will write another article specifically on that subject at a later time.
One cannot emphasize satisfactorily enough how much one changes or transforms upon an NDE or near-death experience. First and foremost, my sense of my own consciousness changed dramatically. Prior to that occasion, I was not of the opinion or belief that we live various past lives, but immediately after that moment, it now seems to be a kind of universal truth. When I hit the pavement, it was as if my sense of self-shot up into the cosmos above us, shooting through a black abyss of stars shooting past me like one would expect in a science-fiction movie when a spaceship enters hyperspeed until there was nothing but this penetrating bright light that almost carried with it it's own feeling; a feeling of peace that surpasses all understanding, and a type of love that you almost feel that you don't deserve, after which that sense of consciousness shot back down into my tangible body, which then rolled off the side of the road.
That was only the beginning of the many ways that my life has changed and is continually changing since then. There was so much that I wanted to do, or experience, but I had by and large been restricted insofar as I was the introspective, self-conscious, and shy individual, aspiring to be well to do, and that cared what everyone thought, and as such was living the life that my parents, and that everyone around me that was in the core people group of people I cared about wanted for me.
As horrible a scenario as that is, it was perhaps, the most liberating and freeing thing, one that allowed for me to be my most unapologetically authentic self, that could ever happen, and so it was as if I had become a new person entirely, one permitted to explore who I truly am, and not the version that my family, friends, school, and the contexts of society had placed on me since birth. In my family, anxiety runs rampant in more than one way, and the thing about an NDE is, that when you are confronted with the extent of your mortality, and exactly how fragile this life, that allows for a break in ego. At the same time, there is an astute understanding that almost all the things that we fear in this life, are deeply rooted in fear of death on one level or another; there is the most obvious physical death, or perhaps the death of the ego, which is experienced when you fear public speaking because to do something embarrassing would be likened to death to one's perceived sense of self. But the thing that is commonly expressed in people that have NDE's, myself included, is that in this bizarre sort of paradox, that it elevates people from this fear of death, which is a tremendous tool or skill-set to leverage if this is the disposition that the individual has, especially if they realize that every fear known to man pales in comparison to the thought of your inevitable demise that could take place at any given moment. And so the great shift or change, the grand transformation in my life began. In a way, there was a rebirth. I remembered the more outgoing and fearless nature that I had in my youth. I stopped dressing to impress and dress for comfort. The sleeves of my button-up shirt have been replaced by the sleeves I've always wanted. I speak of course about tattoos, which were largely shunned by my otherwise pious and conservative family. It is time, not money, that has become the most important resource in my life, and I have found that I do not have time for anything that does not otherwise promote my well-being or sense of happiness; the sleeve on my right arm speaks to this with more than half a dozen timepiece trinkets drawn on it. The person whose life was defined by logic, rational, and the operations of the mind, has learned to instead to live from the heart, and that while it is important to have a beautiful mind, that it is even greater to have a beautiful heart. And, in a way, there was a kind of regression, a regression back to my original self as it were. There was a part of me that always wanted to have a love and spiritually based life, and speaking to this, I now go out into nature, whether it is the beach or out in the forest f because that is something that I always wanted to do; it being my place of meditation, for I firmly believe that it is out in nature that we connect with our most authentic selves. I allowed myself to do the things that I had always enjoyed but given up to be a responsible and mature adult, such as video games, which I now stream for all to see in my spare time. I started playing basketball, swimming, and looking into the things that I had always enjoyed in my vibrant youth. As part of my love for writing, I stopped writing what other people wanted from me and began writing what was always in my heart, which leads to this and other websites. Just as I have taken to writing a book about the Titanic, for it has been a deep fascination of mine since the age of four (the Titanic was the first thing that I ever drew, and I was even the Titanic for my sixth Halloween. I am convinced that I died in it in a past life).
And the other transformations that have taken place almost seem countless. I now reserve all judgment, at least to the best of my abilities, which is not a defining characteristic of anyone in my immediate family, and I am about as openminded and understanding as I used to be reserved and cynical. There is no fear of rejection, so there is now no hesitation in asking the girl down the street from me if she would like to go to Starbucks. I also moved to the location that was deeply rooted in the bosom of my heart for the last six years or so. Essentially, I now live my life so that it is without regrets, not looking back in the slightest, and as if each day were my last, because I know that one day, it certainly very well will be. I have let myself go, as it were, and am the better off for it. For more on the dark night of the soul, click on one of the following links, and for those going through this process, don't worry, you are not alone; there could not be light without darkness.
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